In my daily life, I encounter many things, many people. People who take the time to get to know me, learn that I am a very open person... open, meaning that I express myself very clearly and I'm not scared to do so. I guess this is my quiddity, what makes me stand out. I come across people who say that its hard to "let people in"... and many times, this is due to the fact that they've been screwed over before by people really close to them. This is a true and valid point. But the way I see it is like this: what do you hold on to by holding on to yourself? In the end, you make an exit and you'll have nothing to show for except what made you YOU and what you said and believed. The way I am now is not the way I always was. I was always very shy, but I learned quickly that a closed mouth is never heard. I've learned to be outspoken, to stand for what I believe in, to feel something deeper than the superficiality of this fast-paced world. And yes, this site is deeper than a journal. Traditionally, a journal being the place where you put your words down on.... I dunno, losing your virginity, who your "crush" is, whether or not your day went good... etc. The truth is, for me, every day is a good day. I've learned that with so much corruption in my daily life and surroundings, I have to look at those little good things in every situation I am in. That makes the moment a "my cup is half full" moment. Get what I mean? The need to be inspired by something greater, something positive.... that call is much louder to my ear and drowns out the noise of selfishness and corruption of this life.
Yet, there is one thing I hold on to that I'll take to my grave. One tale, one event, one moment in time, one memory, one ... life experience.
The other night, I went out with a good friend of mine. Every time I'm around her, it's fun times! We joke, laugh, tell millions and gazillions of stories that really have no relation to anything specifically important in our lives, except the fact that the storytelling moment gets triggered by something we see pass by, something we hear, something we do. So, that night, we decided to go watch a movie. Before that, however, we get some slurpies and we're talking and laughing about stuff. I decided to keep walking around and around until I say, "Hey, lets go back to my old school!" So she says yeah, and we go there. We go to the old field where I sweated out a very long summer. I told stories of the ridiculously hot girl I had a crush on. We exchanged stories of high school events. On the walk back to the movie theater, I passed a specific area, a certain spot. All of a sudden, memories and thoughts came back into my head, and then her story about why she hates a restaurant is easily drowned out and I'm taken back into a time that I've buried deep within myself, never to be told, never to be shared... only expressed by manner of opinions, actions and hence... reactions. My sudden quietness and stillness easily shuts her up. After a moment... I almost came to tears.
The one thing I will never share, never tell, never expose, was just a mixture of words fueled by emotions of memories waiting to burst out. Yet, I held myself.
Why do I even bring this up? Because, well, there is always one thing that will be inside of me.. and no matter how open I am, it will remain undisclosed... my achilles heel. Everything I open up to will be a melody of words to people's ears, and i will continue to write.
