I needed a little while off. What I have noticed about me lately is my wanting to be alone more and more. I don’t know what it is. It’s nothing against anyone personally, or even that I’m being anti-social, it’s just that I feel like I am MORE when I am alone. I am more in my thoughts, in myself, in my being, in my spirit. It’s really, really weird to explain. But also, more and more, I’m getting used to being alone, alone in the *heart* sense.
I’ve finally come to a huge realization that I never thought I would see before. And I openly discuss this because I think that when you come to learn things about yourself that you never thought you would figure out, it’s best to be open about it and to learn from it. So, this is what I have to say. I’ve gotten the question before, "How could you be single?" Well, it’s quite simple, as I’ve come to learn, everywhere now you can see that people are stating about the fact that they are single, or single and not looking. Well, to me, it’s more than that. I don’t like to date. I don’t like to do the whole, "lets call each other every day and go out and goo goo gaa gaa" kinda stuff. It’s so funny because my ex gfs know that I was always that way before, and now, well, I’m really, really not into it.
The thing is this: I’ve learned that I expect many things out of a relationship.
I really do. I mean, I don’t start talking to a girl and sharing a bunch of info, spending time with her, doing the whole kiss-kiss, hug-hug thing just to "date," and then move on to the next. I go into something if it’s going to be meaningful and worthwhile, and hopefully, with a brighter outcome.
When I was 17 or 18, having a GF was something "cute" and something that you had to "pass the time," or because you actually thought you "felt" something for the person. Well, let me tell you: from 18 to 22 (4 years difference), my mind has changed a WHOLE lot. What I look for, what I expect, what I give, what I feel is a lot different than it was back in the days. Because of this, I cannot really "date" because, as I've said, most of these girls are not even "ready" to understand me at the level that I’m at. I’m not saying this is true for all girls. I’m saying from MY experience.
Second, I’ve found that when I meet a girl I like, I start paying a LOT of attention to her. I start thinking a LOT about her. In the end, she becomes what I’d like to think of as an "idol" in my heart. Meaning, she’s on top of my list for everything. Consequently, other aspects of my life become affected in a negative manner. This is really, really important as far as my spiritual life. If I put someone else in the path of ALL my attention, it’s kinda hard to concentrate on my ONE-on-ONE relationship with God. Therefore, I’ve realized that if I go into something, I need to be smart and cautious that I don’t turn myself over completely to the point where I forget the MOST important things in my life. Kinda like everyone says, "You tend to lose yourself in a deep relationship". Well, I started analyzing things a lot.
When I say that I would LOVE to have kids, I mean it. When I say that I will be my kids' best friend, I mean it. When I say that I will love truly and eternally once, I mean it. Actually, I cannot predict what the future will be like and whether or not things will go as I "dream"... but I know that my heart is willing and able, and that’s what counts.
But since I’ve come to this realization, I’ve also thought about one other thing. If I know this is how I feel, why go out and play the dating game? Do I want to play that game? Heck no. That’s not what I’m looking for. So, what do I do??? Well, I stay away. I stay low. I stay alone. I keep to myself. I learn from myself. I learn from the daily lessons that are given to me. I enjoy the moments on the road TO MY FUTURE. I thought about all this today. The biggest impact is that I now know that I cannot simply go out there and "find" this that I’ve longed for, nor do I intend to. Nope. The last thing that I would like is to go into something totally wrong and me end up making that girl the center of attention in my life, and an "idol" in my heart. Then, the reality that is Chris.... *poof*... gone. But I don’t want that, so I keep away. And I preserve myself.
Purity through time... that’s how I’d like to think about it.
That is why I feel like a hermit. That is why I like being alone. That is why I’ve taken myself out of the dating pool. That is why I’m focusing my attention, direction, energy, mind, body and soul on something greater. And so.... I’m growing up.... I’m slowly becoming a man. Yikes.
I’ve finally come to a huge realization that I never thought I would see before. And I openly discuss this because I think that when you come to learn things about yourself that you never thought you would figure out, it’s best to be open about it and to learn from it. So, this is what I have to say. I’ve gotten the question before, "How could you be single?" Well, it’s quite simple, as I’ve come to learn, everywhere now you can see that people are stating about the fact that they are single, or single and not looking. Well, to me, it’s more than that. I don’t like to date. I don’t like to do the whole, "lets call each other every day and go out and goo goo gaa gaa" kinda stuff. It’s so funny because my ex gfs know that I was always that way before, and now, well, I’m really, really not into it.
The thing is this: I’ve learned that I expect many things out of a relationship.
I really do. I mean, I don’t start talking to a girl and sharing a bunch of info, spending time with her, doing the whole kiss-kiss, hug-hug thing just to "date," and then move on to the next. I go into something if it’s going to be meaningful and worthwhile, and hopefully, with a brighter outcome.
When I was 17 or 18, having a GF was something "cute" and something that you had to "pass the time," or because you actually thought you "felt" something for the person. Well, let me tell you: from 18 to 22 (4 years difference), my mind has changed a WHOLE lot. What I look for, what I expect, what I give, what I feel is a lot different than it was back in the days. Because of this, I cannot really "date" because, as I've said, most of these girls are not even "ready" to understand me at the level that I’m at. I’m not saying this is true for all girls. I’m saying from MY experience.
Second, I’ve found that when I meet a girl I like, I start paying a LOT of attention to her. I start thinking a LOT about her. In the end, she becomes what I’d like to think of as an "idol" in my heart. Meaning, she’s on top of my list for everything. Consequently, other aspects of my life become affected in a negative manner. This is really, really important as far as my spiritual life. If I put someone else in the path of ALL my attention, it’s kinda hard to concentrate on my ONE-on-ONE relationship with God. Therefore, I’ve realized that if I go into something, I need to be smart and cautious that I don’t turn myself over completely to the point where I forget the MOST important things in my life. Kinda like everyone says, "You tend to lose yourself in a deep relationship". Well, I started analyzing things a lot.
When I say that I would LOVE to have kids, I mean it. When I say that I will be my kids' best friend, I mean it. When I say that I will love truly and eternally once, I mean it. Actually, I cannot predict what the future will be like and whether or not things will go as I "dream"... but I know that my heart is willing and able, and that’s what counts.
But since I’ve come to this realization, I’ve also thought about one other thing. If I know this is how I feel, why go out and play the dating game? Do I want to play that game? Heck no. That’s not what I’m looking for. So, what do I do??? Well, I stay away. I stay low. I stay alone. I keep to myself. I learn from myself. I learn from the daily lessons that are given to me. I enjoy the moments on the road TO MY FUTURE. I thought about all this today. The biggest impact is that I now know that I cannot simply go out there and "find" this that I’ve longed for, nor do I intend to. Nope. The last thing that I would like is to go into something totally wrong and me end up making that girl the center of attention in my life, and an "idol" in my heart. Then, the reality that is Chris.... *poof*... gone. But I don’t want that, so I keep away. And I preserve myself.
Purity through time... that’s how I’d like to think about it.
That is why I feel like a hermit. That is why I like being alone. That is why I’ve taken myself out of the dating pool. That is why I’m focusing my attention, direction, energy, mind, body and soul on something greater. And so.... I’m growing up.... I’m slowly becoming a man. Yikes.
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