Butterflies

The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very rough, mean place... and no matter how tough you think you are, it'll always bring you to your knees and keep you there, permanently... if you let it. You or nobody ain't never gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit... it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward... how much you can take, and keep moving forward. If you know what you're worth, go out and get what you're worth.

But you gotta be willing to take the hit.

THIS IS A GUY THING (GUYS WILL BE GUYS)... BUT GIRLS ARE FREE TO REACT.

So, last night, I decided to rent a movie. I went with a romantic comedy because I'm a sap like that. I rented "Someone Like You" with Ashley Judd, Greg Kinnear, Hugh Jackman, etc. The movie was great. It was all the sappy romance I could have expected from it. It leaves you with that warm, tingly feeling inside. It was definitely worth my 15 pesos... but I digress.

What I gathered from watching this movie, from watching other movies like it, from shows like Oprah, and from everyday life is the following: It is easier for women to have and create a support system amongst themselves.

Why? Simple. Men don't obviously touch often the area of their brains that has to do with expressing themselves, or so we're led to believe. Consequently, I've been wondering my whole life why the heck it's easier for me to talk to a woman about something I'm feeling or going through than. say, my best male bud. Shoot, I can even talk to my youth pastor. Okay, so he's older and a family man and probably more in tune to REALITY than most others, but still.

So, why do we get fed this mumbo jumbo? And, more importantly, does it set men up for the mentality that only women are "the great communicators" while we're still stuck in our caveman days when it comes to self expression?

Let me expand.

About a month ago, my best male bud started dating this girl. Now, he and I differ when it comes to the opposite sex, being that I usually play the "hopeless romantic" role while he perfects the "player" role. Nothing wrong with that, right? Sure... except when it came time for cupid to shoot him one. So, he meets a chick that he's *swooning* over. He's smooth and tries to play it off, but I could smell it from a mile away. After a while, they broke up. The reason still remains undisclosed to me to this day. He disappears for a while, goes into what I like to call "incognito status". I understand. I mean, he's probably heart broken. So, I called the guy, wondering about him. A few times. Nothing. Okay. So, a week passed, and when I finally saw him, I started asking him what's up, and he gets defensive about it.

"Look," I said. "I was just worried about you, man. I know she got to you, and I know you were all about her."

His reply was:

"WHAT?!?! Man, chill out. You think that just because every time you meet a great girl, you go all out that Im just like you?"

OUCH.

So, after that, I didn't talk to the guy for a bit. After a while, he asked me why I looked like I was pissed off every time we saw each other. I took a deep breath and just told him everything: I actually was worried about the guy because I've been there in his shoes. I wasn't trying to pry into his business or get all up in the kool-aid mix. I told him that no matter what happened between him and I as friends, I would never take a personal shot at him the way he did to me.

To this he said, "My bad."
And that's it. We're cool. It's in the past.

As men, we all understand each other. That's why we don't have to go in the bathroom and gossip. Shoot, we go in the bathroom and give the other guy a quick nod and go about our business. Anything further than that would be "questionable". We know what's going on. We know how things work. But sometimes, YES, we are stubborn and don't care to elaborate when it comes to feelings. Do we have to get into everything? It's bad enough everything in life comes with instruction manuals except life itself. So, why explain ourselves?

The best heart-to-heart convos I've shared with a best male bud or another guy are usually over a few drinks, during "girl problems", or curiously enough, on road trips. Hmmmm.

Stay in Love Forever

She is my redeemer, the architect of my dreams, she'll stay with me forever. The mention of her name goes through me like a spear. The mention of her name, and I will surrender. There's no need to fight it. There's no need to hide it. There's no need to doubt it.

Stay in love forever.

Your voice in the morning makes everything clearer, all my doubts are gone, and pain I can't remember. Deity incarnate, celestial redeemer, to me your name is sacred, to you I will surrender. There's no need to fight it. There's no need to hide it. There's no need to doubt it.

Stay in love forever. Stay in love forever.

Pure, complete, unbounded, absolute and overpowered, perfect and transcending, for once and for all and forever…..

Love that won't die.
She is revolution.
Tender, sweet, Godsend,
I'm granted absolution.

LIFE IS A GIFT. LOVE IS BUT A BONUS.

Cry and let it all out. Know you aren't alone. While maybe I'm not feeling it at this moment, I, too, at times feel lonely. Some days I can take it. Others I can not. I question my existence. I question "the master plan." I feel I will be alone forever.

I'm envious of those that have it all. And wonder do they know and cherish what they have.

I have fears of love, too. I fear that once I have it, I may not be able to hold it. I fear I won't appreciate it.

I try to stay optimistic about life. And for the most part, I am. Yet, I still have to question the emotion of love. Is it an illusion? Is it true? Why does my heart ache? Then I stop and think and realize I'm not alone. There are others out there that feel the same.

The world is big. Maybe one day I won't be alone. Honestly, to God, I hope. However, I'm sure another person is feeling my emotions. I just want to tell them they aren't alone. Keep hope, and thankfully, the "master plan" will reward you.

I know I do.

You Gotta Have....

I'm going to talk about the power of prayer. Why? Well, cause I'm reading this book called "The Prayer Of Jabez" and it's very interesting. It talks about how when we pray, we should pray because we want something and because we have faith it'll happen. Not just to pray because you say, "God, I hope my mom doesnt find out that I got a tattoo..." heh. Although, I DO remember making that prayer. HAH.

Anyways.. but seriously, a prayer of faith. Why faith? Well, because faith without works is dead. Meaning, if you don't believe that something will happen, and it happens, you'll say "OH. WOW. It happened. I can't believe it happened." Kind of like this job interview I'm going in for on Tuesday. I'm praying for it because it's the job that I want and I know I'll get it because... well, because, why wouldn't God want the best for me and give me that job that I've been praying for every single time I get the chance to think about it? The best part? My faith that I'll get the job will constitute the praise and thanks that I will give to God because I got the job. That's how it works people.

Prayer, something that is taken for granted nowadays, is a very powerful tool. Actually, the MOST powerful tool you have. So... why not use it to your advantage? Just put all doubt out of your head, trust and have faith, ask, and it will be given to you.

You know what's amazing with prayers? Even though at times they don't come true, they give me a sense of security. It feels exactly like talking to a parent (in this case, God). So pwede ka mag labas ng sama ng loob sa kanya, and basically just talk. I've learned that God is, first and foremost, a Father. He wants nothing but the best for us. :)

Pretty simple.

"OH, I'M NOT GONNA CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK."

We don’t need to have an opinion about everything that everybody says. But when you do feel a certain way about something, you have to learn to be your own person and not be swayed about what everybody else thinks that you should do. Because if you do that, you'll never gonna feel fulfilled. You'll never live your own life. You'll always be trying to do what everybody else wants you to do.

That's why it's so important for you to know who you are. And for you to know that you're doing your best. And for you to know that you're loved by God, which gives you confidence. And then you can finally get over being overly concerned about what everybody else thinks. And it's a journey. It's not just something we say, “Oh, I'm not gonna care what people think.” You know, you have to learn and grow, and I think ponder that. You know, why -- why do we let our lives be dictated by what somebody else thinks?

Shoot.

I started the day really, really bad. I’m borderline depressive, and I’m really tired of shit happening.

Sometimes I dream that I just die young and spend eternity beneath the stars…. Sigh.

I hate this world.
I hate myself.
I hate those “things” that happened today, as early as today.
I'm awashed with not-so-great emotions right now.

Will anyone care to talk to me and keep me sane, even for this day? I will appreciate it, really.

But each one of us has a particular area where we tend to have more of something than another person, and that other person has more of something than we do. It’s our individual kind of snowflake fingerprint design, that each one of you has a particular set of gifts that only you have in that way. -- Thanks Kurin!

Hey, look, someone blogged about me!

I just noticed this today:

By the way, this food blog is dedicated to my new friend Chris. Hahahahahaha!!! Today wasn't supposed to be an exciting day but because of him, "nabuhayan ako sa tanghali... parang Circulan..." I didn't invite him daw... and when I asked him to put a "nakatayong" picture, "tumayo siya sa bahay!" "Kamusta naman dun?!?!" Hahaha!!! Anyway, he's funny! ^o^

Haha, omg, no one ever blogged about me before. This is the first! It’s kinda weird, teehee. But me loves it…. a lot! =) Thankssssssssssssss!!!!! Sorry for not replying to the PMs, just very very UBER busy with work. Damn.

Sad.

You are not a beautiful and delicate snowflake.

=(

A Love Letter

Dear ____________,

I haven't met you yet. But I listen to this song and the way it makes me feel, it makes me know you. And hope that I will meet you one day. Because it is the feeling of being in love and I know that it's ridiculous to feel this way listening to a song but... you. Who are you? Where are you? And why is it taking so long? I don't even see you on the horizon, but one day, there you will be, no questions need answering, and forever will loom in front of us, something, days, weeks, years, all with this feeling at the bottom of it, chills going through my stomach and the biggest, stupidest smile on my face reflected back to me on your face.

Because I am still a 22-year-old boy wanting to spend precious time with that person, the one who says impossible things that I believe. God, I'm an asshole. I've got the grin on my face just thinking about it.

Please forgive my imperfect expression of all this.

PS:
I won't think you're a sissy or annoyingly clingy just because you love me and send me love letters, and I won't have to suppress the urge to laugh at you because I believe you.

Love,
Chris

Drunk.

Ok, I'm really wasted right now. It's like 3:00 in the morning and I'm in this cafe.

I had so much fun though. Me, and my officemates (kurin, kc/wina, and joyce) went to this KTV bar in makati avenue, and we drank and sang the night away. It was so much fun, I tell you. Right now, I can't even look straight. Wina and Kurin slept on the road literally, hahaha. Then, kinain pa ng ATM sa RCBC Plaza yung card ni Joyce. I really had fun, though.

I think am gonna puke any moment from now. Damn, my head aches. I'm gonna sleep any time. Wina took some pics, maybe I can post some, but she's so drunk. Maybe next time.

This doesn't really make any sense whatsoever.

'Leave him alone! He doesn't know any better!'

Oh, you might hate this, but I can't help it. I look at you and think about fairies and elves and butterflies. I want to make sure you are being taken care of and loved correctly. Well, you talk tough, but I've seen you, watched you sink into yourself. And I want to be your big brother, shout at whover's yelling at you (even if it's me) and say, "Leave him alone! He doesn't know any better!" I'm sorry I'm a bitch to you sometimes. Really. I'm glad you have people who loves you.

Oh hun, you are beautiful. And we're all lame morons in here, so don't fret!

Today was really tiring. I got out of bed because I had to throw up. I'm really sick. I mean REALLY sick.

I feel sad, because Robert and Joel are complete bitches. They told everyone I have an STD, just because I slept with both of their girlfriends on Saturday night.

I'm so sad. My kitten got run over last Friday. I found him when I was coming home from work. His head was all squished. I took some photos. I'll miss him. Poor kitty.

I want to say thanks to the world for absolutely fucking nothing! You all suck. I feel so alone, no one ever reads this journal, or even comments to let me know that I'm not suffering alone. It's cold here, and I want to die, but I cannot figure out how many of you to take with me when I go.

I went to the doctor the other day, and he said I have bipolar disorder, which makes me different enough to be interesting, but the same as all the other cool people with bipolar disorder.

You should all do this quiz! It's amazingly accurate. You just put in your name and birthday, and it will tell you you're a moron.

And by now, you must've figured out that you're not an idiot not to realize that I'm just kidding--or do you?

That's enough for now. But I'll leave you with this thought - sharing your life with strangers on the internet is the cheapest form of therapy available. Leave a comment and tell me I'm beautiful.

Atleast You Sound Profound When You Think Too Much

It's nice to hide under that rock. You're right. It's a lot easier to walk around showing the world what they want to see. That's right.. smile. Smile at them. And under your breath, you cry out for them to touch your soul... but I like that rock. That rock is my hiding place. No one knows which rock to lift for me to come out from under it. But YOU did.

Oh, yeah, you let me see the light of a smile. Happiness rushes at me in a single second and takes me to a euphoric dream. Sadness cuts me down and throws me under my rock. Back to where I've come from. I get mad. Then I get sad. Then I let my brain pretend that it is thinking. Hah! I can fool it. Sure I can. Watch me.. watch me let the heart take the wheel and drive.

I cruise from your ankle to your neck with my windows rolled down and the radio plays some random song from the '80s that makes me remember the afternoons that I spent listening to the radio at my grandma's house. I get to your eyes and they speak so loudly that I tell them to blink and let the tears come out.

I cannot control my head anymore. It takes over with engaging theories and captures my attention and my heart hurts because it cannot offer more than that first breath of air you inhale when you wake up... it's like being in paradise.... but being blind. Dammit. Fucking. Why? Do you not understand that harmonious melodies are made using the treble cleff and the bass cleff?

My brain thinks too much, and my heart feels too much. They play out the scene from "Braveheart" when the two armies collide in an angry fight for rights to rule. One tells my legs to walk over to what I think is you... the other tells my legs that there is nothing under me to hold my steps while I walk to the glory that is you. I'm so close.. I'm so damn close... I can see it, I can feel it, and I can touch it... and the ground gives way to an ocean under it. I fall in, sinking deep into my bed... deeper and deeper under my covers i go. I look up and open one eye and I can see through the water that there is light above the water.

I shake my head and focus again... and now I see outside my window that the rain has just started to fall.

Happiness.

Happiness is transient. You’ve got it and you lose it, begging the question: “Why bother in the first place?” Are past moments of happiness or success meaningful, or do they become inconsequential as soon as they pass? And if not, wouldn’t a single, remembered moment of true happiness be enough?